The Festering Wound 溃烂的伤口 Along with the continuing theme of rage against his parents and their varied displacements, there ran a countertheme that came back recurrently in the course of therapy—and never seemed to achieve any resolution. It was some months before this material came out, and it would burst out again from time to time in periods of heightened disappointment or depression. I am referring to the cluster of events, memories, thoughts, and feelings that had to do with Fred's incestuous relations with his mother. He found it extremely difficult to think about or face the fact of what he had done. When it first came to the surface, it was in a paroxysm of guilt and self-degradation. Whenever he came back to the material, it was consistently with the same feelings of vileness, repugnance, and self-condemnation. He described it like a festering wound inside him. He agonized bitterly over his realization that he had certain talents and abilities, but he was unable to make any use of them because the horrible stuff that was stored up inside him made it impossible. He wanted desperately to be a leader, to do something meaningful in politics and accomplish important things, but "how could a "lousy mother-fucker' do anything like that?" 在治疗过程中，除了持续存在的对父母及其各种替代品的愤怒主题外，还有一个反复出现的反主题，似乎从未得到任何解决。这些材料是在几个月后才出现的，它会不时地在失望或沮丧加剧的时候再次爆发出来。我指的是与弗雷德与他母亲乱伦关系有关的一系列事件、记忆、想法和感受。他发现很难思考或面对自己所做的事情。当它第一次浮出水面时，是在一阵内疚和自我堕落的情绪中。每当他回想起这件事时，总是伴随着同样的邪恶、反感和自我谴责的感觉。他形容这就像他内心的一个化脓的伤口。他痛苦地意识到自己有某些天赋和能力，但他却无法利用它们，因为储存在他体内的可怕东西使这变得不可能。他拼命地想成为一名领袖，想在政治上做一些有意义的事情，完成重要的事情，但“一个‘直娘贼’怎么能做出那样的事情呢？” He was constantly preoccupied with fears that people would find out about it. He was afraid that his friends would learn about it somehow, and when he walked down the street he imagined that people could look at him and tell what he had done. He saw himself as filthy, evil, and disgusting—and lived in constant fear that his terrible secret would be found out by others. He bemoaned the fact that such a terrible thing should have to happen to him. His anger and resentment lashed out at the terrible fate that had condemned him to such a crime. He raged against the culture that decreed incest to be such a horrible and degenerate thing. It was the worst crime—the one thing that was despised and condemned by our culture. Why did it have to happen to him? It was the worst possible sin and could not be forgiven. 他时刻担心人们会发现这件事。他担心他的朋友们会以某种方式了解到这件事，当他走在街上时，他想象着人们会看着他，说出他所做的一切。他觉得自己肮脏、邪恶、令人厌恶——而且一直生活在害怕别人发现自己可怕秘密的恐惧之中。他哀叹自己竟然遭遇了如此可怕的事情。他用愤怒和怨恨猛烈抨击着那将他定为犯罪的可怕命运。他激烈反对那种认为乱伦是如此可怕和堕落行为的文化。这是最严重的罪行——我们的文化所鄙视和谴责的一件事。为什么他要遭遇这种事？这是最不可饶恕的罪，不可能得到宽恕。 Fred lived in constant dread that his father might find out about it. Almost every confrontation with his father was overladen with his fears and worry that father had somehow found out about what had happened. He wondered if perhaps his mother hadn't let it slip in one of her drunken stupors. Every restrictive or negative reaction from his father brought on a paroxysm of intensely paranoid fears that father had at last found out. This constant preoccupation served as another determinant of the conflicts that centered around the money issue. His father's accusations about money stirred up Fred's intense guilt feelings, not only about spending any money, but about being a terrible burden to his parents and an evil thing that deserved only punishment and retribution for his heinous crimes. 弗雷德一直生活在恐惧之中，担心他的父亲可能会发现这件事。几乎每一次与父亲的对抗都充满了他的恐惧和担忧，担心父亲以某种方式发现了所发生的事情。他想知道，也许他的母亲没有在一次醉酒后的恍惚中让它泄露出去。父亲的每一次限制性或消极的反应都会引发一阵极度偏执的恐惧，担心父亲终于发现了真相。这种持续的关注是围绕金钱问题引发的冲突的另一个决定因素。他父亲关于金钱的指责激起了弗雷德强烈的内疚感，不仅仅是关于花钱，还有关于成为父母沉重负担的罪恶感，以及一种只应因其可耻罪行而受到惩罚和报复的罪恶感。 In this context Fred was gradually able to recognize the extent to which his rage was self-defeating and the extent to which it served his inner need to seek punishment and self-degradation. He also began to see that it was a vehicle for the expression of the tremendous rage that he felt against his parents. His failure was a way of asserting their failure: the effect was to punish them and make them feel guilty for all the wrongs they had perpetrated against him. His sickness was in that sense a way of getting back at them and punishing them. The rage stirred his guilt; he felt tremendously guilty and ashamed of his illness. He felt guilt not only for wanting to punish his parents but also for having been a failure. He felt he should never have gotten sick; having reasons for getting sick did not take away the stigma and weakness and crippled emotionality that go with it. He felt enraged at the thought that his resentment against his parents was running and ruining his life. Along with his sense of frustration and bitterness at what he regarded as an inexorable determinism in his life—with a resultant sense of frustrated helplessness and victimization—there was a stubborn clinging to his conviction that fate was against him and that the forces of parental problems, family circumstances, social pressures and demands of the "system," and cultural rigidities, had all conspired to his downfall. Whenever he came close to the incest, this complex of paranoid attitudes would rush to the surface and burst forth with characteristic intensity. 在这种情况下，弗雷德逐渐意识到他的愤怒在多大程度上是自我挫败的，以及它在多大程度上满足了他内心寻求惩罚和自我贬低的需要。他也开始意识到，这是对他对父母感到的巨大愤怒的一种表达方式。他的失败是一种断言父母失败的方式：这样做的效果是惩罚他们，让他们为自己对他所犯的所有错误感到内疚。从这个意义上说，他的病是对他们进行报复和惩罚的一种方式。愤怒激起了他的内疚感；他对自己的疾病感到非常内疚和羞愧。他不仅对想要惩罚父母感到内疚，而且对自己的失败感到内疚。他觉得自己本不该生病；病出有因并不能消除随之而来的耻辱、软弱和情感的崩溃。一想到他对父母的怨恨正在破坏他的生活，他就感到愤怒。除了对自己生活中看似不可阻挡的宿命论感到沮丧和痛苦——由此产生一种挫败感、无助感和受害感——他还固执地坚持自己的信念，即命运与他作对，父母的问题、家庭环境、社会压力和“制度”的要求，以及文化的僵化，所有这些都阴谋导致了他的堕落。每当他接近乱伦的时候，这种偏执的态度就会浮出水面，以特有的强度迸发出来。