Guilt 内疚 The march of her defensiveness and aggressive hostility with its implicit destructiveness was followed inevitably by the shadow of guilt. That shadow cast itself over almost every aspect of her life. As she commented, "The world is divided into the guilty and the hostile. I always thought of myself as hostile, but I am continually blaming myself for everything. "Any attempt on her part at self-assertion or self-regard was fragmented by the corrosion of self-doubt and guilt. 她的防御性和带有潜在破坏性的侵略性的敌意的发展不可避免地伴随着内疚的阴影。那阴影几乎笼罩了她生活的每一个方面。正如她所评论的那样:“世界被分为有罪的和敌对的两类。我总是认为自己是有敌意的，但我总是为每件事责备自己。她的任何自我主张或自尊的尝试都被自我怀疑和内疚所侵蚀。 Very early in the course of the analysis, in one of the first hours, she recalled an incident that occurred when she was only six or seven years old. At the time they were living in her mother's sister's home, during one of her father's periodic absences. Her uncle had left in a dresser drawer a service revolver, which Karen found. She brought it to her mother and held it up, pointing it at her mother ostensibly to show it to her. The expression on her mother's face was one of terror and anger. She did not remember whether anything was said to her, but she felt she had done something horribly, terribly wrong. She ran crying to her room and locked herself in and remained there in utter disconsolation for hours. She wondered whether her uncle had put the gun there to trap her because he did not like her, or even that he might have wanted to kill her. The gun became the symbol of her wrongdoing. She returned to that scene repeatedly in the context of talking about her guilty feelings, the feeling that she had done something terribly wrong, a crime for which she deserved only punishment and rejection. It was also a symbol of her victimization, the terrible crime that was imposed on her, of which she was accused and judged guilty without any awareness on her part that she had committed the crime. It was only in the closing months of her analysis, when so much of the rage and ambivalence toward her mother had been worked through, that she was able to understand that what had terrified and frightened her in this episode must have been her own destructive impulses toward her mother, and it was these that caused her to feel so guilty and criminal. The insight came as a dawning realization that seemed to bring her considerable relief and served to relieve her in a striking manner of a considerable pattern of her burden of guilt. 在分析过程的早期，在最初的几个小时里，她回忆起她只有六七岁时发生的一件事。当时他们住在她母亲的姐姐家，而她的父亲正处于周期性的离开之中。她叔叔在梳妆台抽屉里放了一把军用左轮手枪，卡伦找到了。她把它拿给母亲，举起来，指着母亲，表面上是要给她看的。她母亲脸上的表情是恐惧和愤怒。她不记得有人对她说过什么，但她觉得自己做错了一件非常非常糟糕的事。她哭着跑回自己的房间，把自己锁在里面，在那里痛苦地呆了好几个小时。她不知道她叔叔把枪放在那里是为了陷害她，因为他不喜欢她，甚至他可能想杀了她。这把枪成了她犯罪的象征。她反复回到那个场景，谈论她的罪恶感，那种她做了错事的感觉，一种她只应该受到惩罚和拒绝的罪行。这也是她受害的一个象征，这是强加在她身上的可怕罪行，她被指控和被判有罪，而她自己却不知道她犯了罪。只有在最后几个月的分析,当这么多的愤怒和对她母亲的矛盾解决掉之后，她才能明白，在这一幕中吓到她的其实她对母亲的破坏性冲动，正是这些东西导致她觉得内疚和有罪。这一顿悟使她恍然大悟，似乎给她带来了极大的宽慰，并以一种引人注目的方式减轻了她的大量模式化负罪感。 But nonetheless the guilt was pervasive. Despite her protestations of sexual liberation, she felt guilt about her somewhat promiscuous sexual relations, saying she always felt her mother was looking over her shoulder. But then she added defiantly that she would continue to do what she had been doing, because she wanted her parents to know she was as good as they wanted her to be, but not for their reasons. She complained continually of her mother's apparent sexual naivete, recalling that when she was a teenager her father had given her an army manual on syphilis and gonorrhea. She and her father shared the sexual knowledge that mother avoided. She also felt guilty about masturbation, even though intellectually she knew there was nothing wrong with it. 但无论如何，这种负罪感无处不在。尽管她声称自己的性解放，但她对自己有些滥交的性关系感到内疚，说她总是觉得母亲在监视她。但随后她又挑衅地补充说，她会继续做她一直在做的事情，因为她想让父母知道，她和他们希望她做的一样好，但不是出于他们的原因。她不断抱怨母亲明显的性天真，回忆起她十几岁时，父亲曾给她一本有关梅毒和淋病的军队手册。她和父亲分享了母亲避免的性知识。她也对手淫感到内疚，尽管理智上她知道手淫没什么错。 She could not help but avoid the disparity between what she thought in her head and what she felt in her emotions. Clearly her intellectual self spoke with the voice of her father, while her emotional self, the vulnerable feminine part of her, spoke with the voice of her mother. Her mother's injunctions about sexual activity only made her feel guilty. She recalled that at one point her mother said to her when she was going out on a date, "I hope he keeps his hands off of you." The problem was of course that he hadn't, and consequently Karen felt guilty, evil, dirty, and felt that what she was doing was terribly wrong. The mother's other primary dictum was that "Men do not marry women who are not virgins and who smoke." Consequently Karen set about screwing and smoking with a vengeance. She referred to herself as leaving "trails of slime and sexual guilt." 她不得不避免她头脑中的想法和她情感中的感受之间的差异。显然，她理智的自我用她父亲的声音说话，而她情感的自我，她脆弱的女性部分，用她母亲的声音说话。她母亲关于性行为的禁令只会让她感到内疚。她回忆说，有一次她出去约会，母亲对她说，“我希望他不要碰你。”问题是他当然没有，因此卡伦感到内疚、邪恶、肮脏，觉得自己所做的是大错特错的。这位母亲的另一条主要格言是:“男人不会娶非处女、吸烟的女人。”因此，卡伦开始报复性地乱搞、抽烟。她称自己留下了“黏液和性罪恶感的痕迹”。 She felt that if her mother knew about her sexual activity she would feel she was a slut, yet there was a strong impulse in her to defiantly rub her mother's nose in it. She saw herself as a bad girl who slept with too many men too many times. She felt herself to be a prostitute, certainly in terms of her parents' morality, and the inevitable consequence of her prostitution was that her mother's dictum would come true, namely, that men only marry virgins. The thought of punishing herself by becoming pregnant, had often come to mind, and particularly what it would do to her mother if she would become so. 她觉得，如果她母亲知道她的性行为，她会觉得自己是个荡妇，但她内心有一种强烈的冲动，要大胆地用这件事不断刺激她母亲。她认为自己是个坏女孩，跟太多男人睡过太多次。她觉得自己是一个妓女，当然是在她父母的道德方面，她卖淫的必然结果是她母亲的格言将成为现实，即男人只娶处女。她常常想到要怀孕来惩罚自己，尤其是如果她怀孕了，对她的母亲意味着什么。 If someone thought that she should do something different than her own intentions, she would begin to feel guilty that somehow she was doing something she should not. She castigated herself for any slightest imperfection or faux pas. Even when there was nothing specific that she could worry about, she would worry about what other people were thinking about her. Frequently enough she would blame herself for things that other people had not even noticed and were hardly concerned about. Her world view was permeated with motifs of blame and guilt. There was nothing that could happen without either blame or guilt or both. Similarly she stoutly resisted and refused to accept any notion that the universe was not dominated by concepts of right and wrong. Everything in the universe was either right or wrong, praiseworthy or blameworthy, susceptible of guilt and punishment. The sense of obligation and responsibility was omnipresent. She felt particularly responsible for her parents' unhappiness and frustration. She commented, "My mother even gave me a sense of obligation for having been born." 如果有人认为她应该做一些不同于她自己想做的事情，她就会开始感到内疚，因为她在做一些她不应该做的事情。她为任何微小的不完美或失礼而责备自己。即使没有什么特别的事情让她担心，她也会担心别人对她的看法。她常常会为一些别人甚至没有注意到、根本不关心的事情责备自己。她的世界观充满了责备和内疚的主题。任何事情的发生都离不开责备或内疚，或者两者兼而有之。同样，她也坚决反对和拒绝接受任何认为宇宙不受是非观念支配的观点。宇宙中的一切要么对，要么错，要么值得称赞，要么应该受到谴责，容易受到内疚和惩罚。义务感感和责任感无处不在。她觉得对她父母的不幸和挫折负有特别的责任。她说:“我的母亲甚至给了我一种被生出来的责任感。”