The Martyr Complex 殉道者情结 In the light of all this, although Karen complained bitterly about being "crapped on from all directions," being taken advantage of, and constantly feeling hurt and cheated, it quickly became apparent that she continually got herself into situations and relationships in which this turned out to be the case. It seemed as if she went out of her way to get hurt, as though she were seeking out suffering in some perverse way. She struggled not to show her hurt and disappointed feelings, but at the same time painted herself as exquisitely sensitive and suffering. The analogy to her mother came quickly to mind. As Karen put it, it was like being a geisha, serving someone else's needs, erasing someone else's pain. The picture was the picture of mother's silent suffering, particularly in the relationship with Karen's father. Karen was able grudgingly to admit that she seemed to be cut out of the same mold as her mother, that of the suffering victim. 考虑到这一切，尽管卡伦痛苦地抱怨自己“被四面八方的人拉屎”，被人利用，总是觉得受到伤害和欺骗，但很快她就发现自己总是陷入这样的境地和关系中。她似乎是故意要受伤害，好像她是在以某种反常的方式寻找痛苦。她努力不表现出受伤和失望的感觉，但同时又把自己描绘成一个细腻敏感和痛苦的人。她很快想到了和她母亲的类比。正如卡伦所说，这就像当艺伎，为别人的需要服务，消除别人的痛苦。这幅画描绘的是母亲默默承受的痛苦，尤其是和卡伦父亲的关系。卡伦勉强承认，她似乎和她的母亲——那个受苦受难的受害者——是从同一个模子里造出来的。 But over and above this there was a need to punish herself. The punishment was an expiation to the gods, and she would rather do it herself than have someone else do it. She would rather be pained herself than to hurt someone else—just like her mother's martyr complex. She easily felt that she was in the wrong, that she had transgressed in some manner that she often could not define, or that she had to apologize for herself. The contexts for this were multiple, whether it be in sexual activity, in which she felt that she should apologize for not being sufficiently attractive or entertaining or responsive to her partner's needs, or in her teaching, where she vacillated uncertainly between apologizing to her students or berating them for their poor performance. If she made demands on her students or tried to set standards of performance which they failed to meet or resisted, she immediately felt apologetic, as though it were her fault that the students could not master the material, that she should have made the course easier, that it should not have been so demanding, that she had not been sufficiently entertaining, or that her teaching was not sufficiently clear or forceful. On all of these fronts she was constantly plagued with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity. She assumed often enough that she was the stronger individual in any situation, and that she could bear the hurt and disappointment, but that others could not. Consequently, it was better for her to feel hurt and disappointed rather than hurting someone else. 但除此之外，她还需要惩罚自己。惩罚是在神面前赎罪，她宁愿自己去做，也不愿让别人去做。她宁愿自己痛苦，也不愿伤害别人——就像她母亲的殉道者情结一样。她很容易就觉得自己错了，觉得自己以某种她常常无法解释的方式犯了错，觉得自己必须为自己道歉。这个的上下文是多方面的,无论是在性活动中(她觉得她应该为不够迷人、有趣，或不能对伴侣的需求反应良好而道歉),还是在教学中(她拿不定主意是向学生道歉，还是责备他们表现不好)。如果她要求她的学生或试图设定标准，而学生未能达到或抵制,她立刻感到歉意,好像是她的错才导致学生不能掌握材料,而她应该让课程更容易,要求不应该如此之高,她没有足够有趣,她的教学还不够清楚或有有说服力。在所有这些方面，她都经常受到自我怀疑和不安全感的困扰。她常常以为自己在任何情况下都是强者，她能忍受伤害和失望，而别人却不能。因此，让她感到受伤和失望总比伤害别人好。 Her tendency to put herself in the position of disadvantage and suffering was exemplified in the fact that she chose the most difficult subject and the most demanding director in her department for her dissertation. She described him as the "biggest bastard around." She felt that he let her talk about her subject until she had managed to hang herself, a form of self-execution. She was just asking to be "shat on." But she observed that she seemed to function best when she was working with a bastard, and that if someone was being protective or kind to her, she felt that she was being condescended to. On the one hand she found herself caring deeply about people who were able to hurt her, and on the other hand she felt that if a man was capable of being a bastard, she would be the one to bring it out in him. 她总是把自己置于不利和痛苦的境地，这一点从她选择了系里最难的科目和要求最高的系主任来写论文就可以看出。她形容他是“周围最大的混蛋”。她觉得他让她谈论她的课题，直到她设法上吊自杀，这是一种自我行刑的形式。她只是想请求人家“在她身上拉屎”。但她注意到，当她和一个混蛋一起工作时，她似乎表现得最好，如果有人保护她或对她友善，她会觉得自己受到了屈尊俯就。一方面，她发现自己非常关心那些可能伤害她的人，另一方面，她觉得如果一个男人有能力成为一个混蛋，那么她就是那个能拯救他的人。