Grandmother's Death 外婆的死 In her third year of college, the aforementioned event of critical importance for Clare took place. Her grandmother, whose lingering illness had drawn out through the summer and part of the autumn, finally died. Clare was away at school at the time. During the summer months, she had spent most of her time with grandmother. She knew that grandmother was dying but couldn't face the fact. When she was alone during that summer, she wept bitterly over grandmother's approaching death. After she left for school, she felt sick at heart. She thought of writing to her grandmother, but could not bring herself to do it. Her parents, and particularly her mother, were angry at her for not writing in grandmother's last weeks. Mother finally wrote to her that if she didn't write, she would disown her and never let her set foot in her home again. Clare felt bitterly resentful about this attack. She felt that her parents never understood her feelings, and did not understand her feelings about grandmother and how deeply she felt her loss. 在她大学三年级的时候，上述对克莱尔来说至关重要的事情发生了。她祖母病情拖沓，经过了一个夏天和部分秋天，终于去世了。克莱尔当时不在学校。在夏天的几个月里，她大部分时间都和祖母在一起。她知道祖母快要死了，但却无法面对这个事实。那年夏天，当她独自一人的时候，她为祖母即将去世而痛哭流涕。她离开学校后，心里感到很不舒服。她想给她祖母写信，但又不忍心。她的父母，尤其是她的母亲，因为她没有在祖母的最后几周写信而生她的气。母亲最后写信给她说，如果她不写信，她就和她断绝关系，再也不让她踏进家门。克莱尔对这次攻击深恶痛绝。她觉得她的父母从来没有理解过她的感受，也不理解她对祖母的感受，以及她对失去亲人的深切感受。 The death of her grandmother was a severe loss for Clare, and one that she could not deal with effectively at all. It became apparent that even five years later, when she dealt with the events surrounding grandmother's death in her therapy, she was still actively mourning her grandmother. The school year following was a depressed and unhappy one for Clare. The reverberations of grandmother's death were felt all through the family. Clare's mother particularly became increasingly depressed,a course that led to her hospitalization and acute(schizophrenic?) decompensation, as we have noted. Clare had been spending the summer vacations working as a waitress in a resort hotel. She became attached to a young man on whom she felt quite dependent, and with whom she engaged in considerable necking, kissing, and fondling, but no intercourse. The next summer, however, she became friendly with a black kitchen helper who was nearly forty. She confided to him her fears of intercourse, and he told her that he could show her how beautiful an experience it was. She allowed herself to have intercourse with this man, only to find the experience difficult and repulsive once again, and had intense feelings of worthlessness and filthiness. She felt that he had tricked and taken advantage of her. 外婆的去世对克莱尔来说是一个严重的损失，她根本无法有效地处理这件事。很明显，即使五年后，当她在治疗中处理外婆去世的事情时，她仍然在积极地哀悼祖母。接下来的学年对克莱尔来说是一个沮丧和不快乐的学年。外婆去世的余波传遍了整个家庭。克莱尔的母亲尤其变得越来越抑郁，这一过程导致了她住院治疗和急性(精神分裂症?)失代偿，正如我们已经提到的。克莱尔暑假一直在一家度假酒店当服务员。她爱上了一个年轻的男人，她觉得自己完全依赖他，和他亲热、亲吻、爱抚，但没有性交。然而，第二年夏天，她和一个将近四十岁的黑人厨房帮手成了好朋友。她向他倾诉了她对性交的恐惧，他告诉她，他可以向她展示这是一次多么美妙的经历。她允许自己与这个男人发生性关系，却发现这种经历又一次令人难以接受和反感，并产生了强烈的无用感和污秽感。她觉得他欺骗了她，占了她的便宜。 After her graduation, she applied for nursing school. Her relationships with the other girls were much the same as they had been in college—intense, suspicious, jealous. She gained one close confidant in one of the other nursing students with whom she would share her fears and anxieties. As the friendship grew more intense, the two girls—both rather isolated and lonely girls—found their attraction with each other growing stronger and becoming more frankly sexual. There was one intimate experience in which they went to bed together and indulged in some fondling and touching. They were both frightened by the experience and by the intensity of their feelings, and decided that they would have to set limits on their intimacy. They were able to do this and remained friends without further physical contacts. It was soon after this that Clare began sleeping with her old high school boyfriend, and was soon plunged into her first decompensation and hospitalization. 毕业后，她申请了护理学校。她和其他女孩的关系和上大学时差不多——紧张、多疑、嫉妒。她从其他护理系学生中得到了一位密友，她会和她分享她的恐惧和焦虑。随着友谊的加深，这两个女孩——都是相当孤立和孤独的女孩——发现彼此之间的吸引力越来越强，向性的方面发展。有一次亲密的经历，她们一起上床，沉溺于爱抚和触摸。她们都被这段经历和强烈的感情吓坏了，决定要限制她们之间的亲密关系。她们能够做到这一点，并且在没有进一步身体接触的情况下仍然是朋友。就在这之后不久，克莱尔开始和她高中时的旧男友上床，不久她就进入了第一次失代偿期，并住进了医院。