Sexuality 性 I would like to focus at this point on Clare's sexual development, since it provided a significant vehicle for a considerable proportion of her pathology. It would be an underestimation to say that it was a conflicted development. It was the most difficult and problematic area of her life—as a child, as a growing adolescent, and as an adult. We must note at the very beginning that she grew up in a family context in which the female was severely devalued. Her mother provided her with a prime model of the weak and inadequate female—a woman with intellectual gifts and abilities who was devalued and continually undercut. The model of adult femininity that she provided for Clare was a highly depressive and masochistic one. Clare's emerging sense of feminine identity could not but have suffered and been severely impaired. 在这一点上，我想把重点放在克莱尔的性发育上，因为它为她的大部分病理提供了一个重要的载体。如果说这是一种冲突的发展，那将是一种低估。这是她一生中最困难、最成问题的时期——作为一个孩子，作为一个正在成长的青少年，以及作为一个成年人。我们必须在一开始就注意到，她是在一个女性被严重贬低的家庭环境中长大的。她的母亲为她树立了一个软弱无能的女性的典型——一个具有智力天赋和能力的女性，她的价值被贬低，地位不断被削弱。她为克莱尔树立的成年女性的榜样是一个高度抑郁和受虐狂。克莱尔逐渐形成的女性身份认同不得不遭受痛苦和严重损害。 The sexual climate of the house was not a very positive one. The subjectof sex was a prohibited and avoided area. There was no talk about sex at home, and Clare did not remember any attempts to teach herself or the other kids anything about it. The sexual life between her parents left something to be desired as well. Clare did not realize it at the time, but it turned out—something she only discovered during the course of her treatment with me—that her parents did not sleep together and stopped having intercourse altogether after her mother's severe (psychotic?) depression. This undoubtedly served to increase the level of sexual tension in the house at a time when Clare was entering her pubertal development. 家里里的性气氛不是很好。性的主题是一个禁止和避免的领域。家里没人谈论性的话题，克莱尔也不记得她曾试图教自己或其他孩子任何有关性的东西。她父母之间的性生活也令人不满意。克莱尔当时没有意识到这一点，但事实证明——她只是在跟我治疗的过程中才发现——她的父母没有睡在一起，并在她母亲患有严重(精神疾病?)抑郁症之后，完全停止了做爱。在克莱尔进入青春期的时候，这无疑增加了家里的性紧张程度。 Although talk about sex was prohibited, her mother's attitude toward sex gave Clare the impression that it was a dirty and evil business. Mother did not enjoy sex, and she avoided it and any reference to it. Father's attitude was quite different. In his liberalism and declared independence of any social conventions, he felt that the atmosphere toward sex in the house should be uninhibited and free. The split between the parents was wide, and their differences of opinion provided the battle ground for many of their arguments. They differed particularly in the matter of how sexual matters should be handled in regard to the children. Father acted in a provocative manner. He used to walk around the house stark naked, appearing in front of the children casually in the nude. Clare—the oldest daughter—found this behavior extremely difficult and embarrassing. She remembered seeing her father's penis and feeling frightened of it—but at the same time fascinated by it. She particularly remembers his having an erection. She recalls vague dreams of her father approaching her sexually and feeling frightened and panicked. 虽然禁止谈论性，但她母亲对性的态度给克莱尔留下了这样的印象:这是一件肮脏邪恶的事情。母亲不喜欢性，她回避它，也不提它。父亲的刚毅完全不同。在他的自由主义和独立于任何社会习俗的宣布中，他觉得家庭中的性氛围应该是无拘无束和自由的。父母之间的分歧很大，他们的意见分歧为他们的许多争论提供了战场。他们的分歧尤其在于如何处理有关儿童的性问题。父亲以挑衅的方式行事。他过去常常一丝不挂地在屋子里走来走去，在孩子们面前一丝不挂地随意出现。克莱尔是最大的女儿，她发现这种行为极其困难和尴尬。她记得看到父亲的阴茎时感到害怕，但同时又为之着迷。她特别记得他勃起了。她回忆起模糊的梦境，在梦中父亲在性方面接近她，感到害怕和恐慌。 The father continued this behavior for some years, even into Clare's adolescent years. He would come down to the kitchen at night, for example, completely naked and would never bother to check on who might be there. She recalled her embarrassment as a high school girl, and feared bringing anyone home because they might see her father. The father's behavior was strikingly seductive and his exhibitionism must have partially served his own sexual needs which were being frustrated in the sadomasochistic struggle with his wife. The documentation is obscure, but there is some suggestion that his seductiveness was particularly directed at Clare. She recalls episodes when the father came into her bedroom naked, terrifying her and stimulating her fantasies of brutal violation. She can recall only one occasion on which her father spoke to her about sexuality. He told her on that occasion that when men and women make love, it was really a sort of attack in which the man subdued the woman. He also told her that she could never trust any man because what each wanted from a girl was only one thing(the only thing to his mind females were good for!) and that was to attack her sexually. He added that the only man she could really trust was himself. The confusion and blending of sexual and aggressive themes in this message and in her relationship to her father are most striking. 父亲继续这样做了好几年，甚至到了克莱尔的青春期。比如，他会在晚上光着身子来到厨房，从不费心去看谁会在那里。她回忆起自己上高中时的尴尬经历，害怕把任何人带回家，因为他们可能会看到她的父亲。父亲的行为非常诱人，他的暴露癖一定在一定程度上满足了他自己的性需求，而他的性需求在与妻子的虐恋斗争中受挫。资料很模糊，但有一些迹象表明，他的诱惑是特别针对克莱尔的。她回忆起父亲赤身裸体走进她卧室的情景，这让她感到恐惧，也刺激了她对残酷侵犯的幻想。她只记得有一次她父亲跟她谈到性。他当时告诉她，当男人和女人做爱时，那真的是一种攻击，男人征服了女人。他还告诉她，她永远不能相信任何一个男人，因为每个人想从一个女孩身上得到的只有一件事(在他看来，这是女人唯一的好处)，那就是对她进行性攻击。他补充说，她唯一能真正信任的人就是他自己。在这条信息中，以及她与父亲的关系中，性和攻击性主题的混淆和融合是最引人注目的。 Father's behavior was provocative(as well as exciting) to Clare in other ways as well. The family often spent vacation periods camping in the woods. They would frequently go on camping trips, an avocation of father's. At such times, when he had to urinate father would simply turn around. The family would joke about it, since everyone else would discreetly retire to a private place to urinate. Clare felt angry and resentful about this behavior of her father. She felt it was embarrassing, inconsiderate, and hypocritical. Her father would never relieve himself facing her but would always turn around. It was some time before Clare was able to acknowledge any wishes of her own that he would void facing her so that she could watch his penis. The wishes were present and active, but highly threatening and largely repressed. She recalled on occasion on one of these camping trips, when she retired to a secluded part of the woods to defecate. In the middle of this act father came upon her. She was terrified and frightened of him in the solitude of the woods. She was afraid that he would violate her, and felt shamed and vulnerable at his seeing her with her pants down defecating. She felt that there was something abnormal about her father's concern over and interest in excremental functions. She described his elaborate rituals surrounding elimination, and his flushing the toilet when he let go so that no one could hear it. She resented deeply his staring at her and making her feel ashamed. Her gratification, however, was deeply repressed. 对克莱尔来说，父亲的行为在其他方面也具有挑衅性(同时也令人兴奋)。这个家庭经常在假期期间在树林里露营。他们经常去露营旅行，这是父亲的业余爱好。在这种时候，当他不得不小便时，父亲会简单地转过身来。家人会拿它开玩笑，因为其他人都会小心翼翼地退到一个私人的地方小便。克莱尔对她父亲的这种行为感到愤怒和怨恨。她觉得这很尴尬，不体谅人，而且很虚伪。她的父亲在她面前从不解手，总是转过身来。过了好些时候，克莱尔才意识到她自己的愿望:他应该当着她的面解手，以便她能看到他的阴茎。这些愿望是存在的和积极的，但具有高度的威胁和很大程度上受到压抑。她回忆起有一次露营旅行，当时她退到树林里一个僻静的地方去排便。期间，父亲来找她。在森林的孤寂中她被他吓得魂不附体。她害怕他会侵犯她，当他看到她脱下裤子在排便时，她感到羞愧和脆弱。她觉得父亲对排泄功能的关心和兴趣有些不正常。她描述了他精心设计的排便仪式，以及他在排便时冲马桶的动作，以免别人听到。他盯着她看，使她感到很惭愧，她对此深恶痛绝。然而，她的满足感却被深深地压抑了。 Clare had heard about menstruation, but only in vague and general terms. Her menarche came as a shock and a bitter disappointment. She felt humiliated and debased. She felt that she was dirty and defiled by it, as though it were a mark of the evil and debased femininity that she reviled and hated. Her menstrual periods in her adolescent years and on into adult years were difficult for her. She would have considerable premenstrual tension and crampy pain with her periods. She would usually have to go to bed and would often feel quite sick. She resented her periods bitterly, for they were the mark of her worthless and filthy sex. She recalled several occasions in high school when she would have an attack of menstrual cramps that were so severe that she had to leave the classroom. On one or two occasions she recalled fainting and having to be carried to the infirmary. She reflected her bitterness and resentment over these episodes. She felt that all the boys and the other girls in the class knew what was happening to her, and she felt embarrassed and shamed. These experiences reinforced her feelings that girls were weak and worthless. Her resentment took the form of hatred for boys, who didn't have to endure such things. She recalled with intense feelings of frustrated rage and resentment how, on one occasion in high school, she was taking a calculus final exam. The outcome of the exam would determine whether she or one of the smart boys in the class would get the highest grade. In the middle of the exam she had an attack of menstrual pain and fainted. She was carried out of the classroom and could not finish the exam. She complained that the boys had an unfair advantage over her just because she was a girl, and her resentment in recalling this event was deep and bitter, even a decade removed from the event. 克莱尔听说过月经，但很笼统。她的月经初潮使她感到震惊和极度失望。她感到羞辱和贬低。她觉得自己很脏，被它弄脏了，仿佛这是她所痛斥和憎恨的邪恶和堕落的女性气质的标志。从青春期到成年，她的经期都很艰难。在经期她会有相当大的经前紧张和抽筋疼痛。她通常得上床睡觉，常常感到很不舒服。她对自己的经期深恶痛绝，因为经期是她毫无价值和肮脏的性的标志。她回忆起在高中时，有几次经期抽筋非常严重，她不得不离开教室。有一两次，她回忆说自己晕倒了，不得不被抬到医务室。她反映了她对这些插曲的痛苦和怨恨。她觉得班上所有的男孩和女孩都知道她发生了什么事，她感到很尴尬和羞愧。这些经历加深了她的感觉，即女孩是软弱的，毫无价值的。她的怨恨表现为对男孩的憎恨，因为男孩不需要忍受这样的事情。她充满了沮丧和愤怒地回忆起高中时，有一次她参加微积分期末考试。考试的结果将决定她或班上一个聪明的男孩能否得到最高分。考试进行到一半时，她突然感到经期疼痛，昏倒了。她被带出了教室，没能完成考试。她抱怨说，男孩们仅仅因为她是女孩就对她有不公平的优势，她回忆起这件事时的怨恨是深刻而痛苦的，甚至是与这件事隔了十年。 Clare was extremely self-conscious of her sexuality. She recalled the occasion when her mother took her downtown to buy her first bra. When they got home her father took it out and dangled it in front of her brothers and made a joke of it. She felt hurt and angered and humiliated. She ran to her room in tears, and never forgave him. As she was maturing, her mammary development was exceptional. She was of slender and lean muscular build otherwise, so that her breasts were a prominent endowment of her anatomy. She took elaborate precautions to try to hide them. She wore heavy sweaters and blouses. She adopted a slouched posture with shoulders hunched in an attempt to minimize her breasts and make them less apparent. She hated anything that smacked of femininity or feminine interests. Her mother forced her to get her hair curled once and she resisted bitterly, and hated the curls vehemently. She never wanted to wear dresses or other girls' clothing. She wore pants and heavy boys' shirts whenever she could. 克莱尔对自己的性别极为敏感。她回忆起她妈妈带她去市中心买她的第一个胸罩的情景。当他们回到家时，她的父亲把它拿出来，在她的哥哥们面前晃来晃去，开了个玩笑。她感到受到伤害、愤怒和羞辱。她泪流满面地跑回自己的房间，从来没有原谅过他。随着她的成熟，她的乳房发育异常好。除此之外，她身材苗条，肌肉发达，所以她的胸部是她身体构造的突出天赋。她采取了周密的预防措施试图隐藏他们。她穿着厚厚的毛衣和衬衫。她采取了一种耷拉着肩膀的姿势，试图使她的胸部最小化，使它们不那么明显。她讨厌任何带有女性气质或女性兴趣的东西。有一次，她的母亲强迫她把头发卷起来，她强烈地抵制，并强烈地憎恨那些卷。她从来不想穿裙子或其他女孩的衣服。只要有可能，她就穿裤子和厚重的男式衬衫。 Nonetheless sex remained an area of fascination for her. She would read about it in sex manuals and books, and avidly read novels and stories with sexual material in them. She remembered thinking time and again how horrible and filthy sex was. She dated rarely—and she did not begin dating until she was in high school and then only infrequently. Her dating activity was infrequent even later on in college. When she was sixteen a boyfriend kissed her and she remembered feeling dirty and defiled—feeling like a cheap slut or whore. 尽管如此，性仍然是她着迷的领域。她会在性手册和书中读到这方面的知识，并热切地阅读含有性材料的小说和故事。她记得自己一次又一次地想起性是多么可怕和肮脏。她很少约会，直到高中才开始约会，而且只是偶尔约会。甚至在大学后期，她的约会活动也很少。当她16岁的时候，一个男朋友吻了她，她记得当时的感觉很脏，觉得被玷污了——感觉自己像个廉价的荡妇或妓女。