Destructive Rage 破坏性愤怒 Little by little she was able to express her anger and resentment against her parents. She felt that in her early years she had tried very hard to please them but never seemed able to. After she got to college, and especially after her grandmother died, her behavior became an attack on and rejection of her parents. She began messing herself up, wearing dirty and weird clothes, hanging around with weird people who were really strange and "fucked up" and whom she knew her parents disapproved of. She felt that she really wanted to hurt her parents, to show them how badly they had "fucked her up"—she wanted to destroy the "extension of the process C." that she felt herself to be. Her anger at her mother was intense for having permitted her father's sadistic attacks upon her and for not having intervened to protect her. At one point she saw a movie in which a soldier had a dog. The soldier became very apathetic and depressed. The troops had to be moved quickly to another place and they were loaded into a truck to be driven away. The soldier's dog could not be taken along. As the truck pulled away the dog ran after the truck barking after his adopted master. The sergeant who was sitting in the back of the truck pulled out his gun and shot the dog. The soldier did nothing to prevent it. Clare saw this episode as directly applicable to the situation with her parents. She complained that if the soldier had really loved the dog he would have prevented the shooting. The movie had presented an allegory of her childhood experience, and the rage, disappointment, and hurt that she felt was deep and nearly overwhelming. 慢慢地，她能表达她对父母的愤怒和怨恨。她觉得，在她早年的岁月里，她曾非常努力地取悦他们，但似乎从来没有成功过。上了大学后，尤其是外婆去世后，她改变行为开始对父母攻击和排斥。她开始把自己搞得一团糟，穿着又脏又怪的衣服，和那些古怪的人混在一起，他们真的很奇怪，而且“一团糟”，她知道她的父母不赞成他们。她觉得她真的想伤害她的父母，向他们展示他们是如何“把她搞得一团糟”——她想摧毁她自己所认为的“进程C的延伸”。她对母亲的愤怒是强烈的，因为她允许父亲对她进行残酷的攻击，而且没有干预保护她。有一次她看了一部电影，电影里一个士兵养了一只狗。士兵变得非常冷漠和沮丧。部队不得不迅速转移到另一个地方，他们被装上卡车运走。士兵的狗不能带在身边。当卡车开走时，那只狗追着卡车跑，在它的主人后面狂吠。坐在卡车后座的警官掏出枪向狗开了一枪。士兵没有采取任何措施来阻止它。克莱尔认为这件事直接适用于她父母的情况。她抱怨说，如果士兵真的爱那条狗，他就会阻止开枪。这部电影以寓言的形式展现了她的童年经历，以及她感到的愤怒、失望和伤害，这些都是深刻的，几乎是压倒性的。 Gradually she became aware of the extent and the ways in which she was like her parents. She began to realize how she was depressed and withdrawn like her mother, how when she was angry she would withdraw and close off communication with other people—that her mother was a nurse, too, and that her mother had been a mental patient as well. Her cutting had been largely focused in the area of her groin and thighs. She saw this as involving the feminine part of herself. She wanted to cut and attack the part of her that was most like her mother. She hated and reviled her body. She hated her breasts because they bounced and constantly reminded her of being a girl. She hated her periods because they were so dirty and shameful. She hated her body because it was so "bouncy and leaky"—and she repeatedly expressed her wish to cut and hurt and punish it. On one occasion she walked past a group of high school boys who made some obscene remarks and invited her to take off her clothes. She felt embarrassed, ashamed, guilty for arousing their interest in her body, furious and enraged and wanted to destroy them. She remembered her rage at her father for his sexual interest and provocations—for dangling her bra in front of her brothers. 渐渐地，她意识到自己在多大程度上和方式上像她的父母。她开始意识到她是多么地沮丧和内向，就像她的母亲一样，当她生气的时候，她会多么地退缩和封闭与他人的交流——她的母亲也是一名护士，她的母亲也是一名精神病人。她的割伤主要集中在腹股沟和大腿。她认为这涉及到她自身女性的部分。她想把自己身上最像她母亲的那部分剪下来，她想攻击这部分。她憎恨和辱骂她的身体。她讨厌自己的乳房，因为它们弹来弹去，不断让她想起自己是个女孩。她讨厌经期，因为它们又脏又丢脸。她讨厌自己的身体，因为它“有弹性，有漏洞”——她反复表达自己想要切割、伤害和惩罚它的愿望。有一次，她路过一群高中男生，他们说了一些下流的话，还请她脱掉衣服。她感到尴尬、羞愧、内疚，因为激起了他们对她身体的兴趣，她感到狂怒、暴怒，想要毁掉他们[指这些男生]。她还记得她对父亲的性兴趣和挑逗的愤怒——因为他把她的胸罩挂在她哥哥面前。 As time went on, Clare was gradually and increasingly able to let me know about her anger toward me, and increasingly able to tolerate it and talk about it. When I had asked why she was making herself a mental patient, she had felt hurt and furious. She was afraid to tell me about these feelings; she feared that I would reject her and turn away from her as her mother used to do. She remarked that she had never really been able to get angry at her doctor before. But she was afraid of letting the anger out—not sure how far she could go, or what I would do if she did. She did not know whether I would withdraw from her and reject her as she felt her mother did, or whether I would turn on her in anger and attack her like her father did. Much later on in the treatment, there was a day during which the clinic was closed for a holiday and I had forgotten to remind her that we would omit our appointment that day. It turned out to be a cold, rainy, miserable day, and Clare had come to my office, to find it locked. She was furious with me. The next day she called me on the phone and leveled an angry blast at me—and then started crying. I told her we would discuss it at our next appointment. When we met she was still furious, but able to tell me what she was feeling and able to talk about her anger in a constructive way. 随着时间的推移，克莱尔逐渐地、越来越能够让我知道她对我的愤怒，也越来越能够容忍和谈论它。当我问她为什么要把自己变成一个精神病人时，她感到很受伤，很愤怒。她不敢把这些感受告诉我;她害怕我会拒绝她，像她母亲过去那样离开她。她说她以前从来没有真正对她的医生生气过。但她害怕让愤怒发泄出来——不知道她能走多远，也不知道如果她这样做了，我会做什么。她不知道我是像她母亲那样离开她，拒绝她，还是像她父亲那样发怒攻击她。在治疗的很长一段时间后，有一天诊所因假日而关闭，我忘了提醒她，我们会跳过那天的预约。这是一个寒冷、多雨、痛苦的日子，克莱尔来到我的办公室，发现门锁上了。她生我的气。第二天，她打电话给我，对我怒吼了一声，然后开始哭了起来。我告诉她我们下次见面再谈。当我们见面时，她仍然很愤怒，但她能告诉我她的感受，并能以一种建设性的方式谈论她的愤怒。 These experiences were multiplied in minor ways throughout the whole course of the treatment. Her fear was that if she let out her anger, she would destroy me or drive me away. Little by little she became more comfortable with her anger and was increasingly able to share it with me. As this capacity increased, her anger seemed to diminish in intensity. There was a magical quality to this aspect of her treatment which persisted for a long time. She saw me graphically as a strong and powerful sponge which was able to soak up the poison she exuded and to neutralize it. When I went on vacation during the first couple of years, she would voice her apprehensions in terms of her fear of what was going to happen when the powerful external control and neutralizing force was taken away from her. Would her evil power once again assert itself? Would her poison again work its magic on the world and the people around her? 在整个治疗过程中，这些经历以微小的方式成倍增加。她的恐惧是，如果她发泄她的愤怒，她会摧毁我或赶走我[赶走可以理解，为什么会摧毁呢？多么奇怪！]。渐渐地，她对自己的愤怒感到更舒服了，也越来越能和我分享了。随着这种能力的增强，她的愤怒似乎在减弱。这种治疗方法有一种魔力，这种魔力持续了很长一段时间。她形象地把我看作是一块结实有力的海绵，能够吸收她吐出的毒液并使之中和。在最初的几年里，当我去度假的时候，她会表达出她的忧虑，她害怕当强大的外部控制和中和力量从她身上消失时，会发生什么。她的邪恶力量会再次显现吗?她的毒性会再次对世界和她周围的人产生魔力吗?[她为什么把自己想得这么有魔法？] Along with this, she became increasingly aware of the fact that her mind—her intelligence—was the strong, adequate, capable, and masculine part of herself. It was also the part that wanted to undercut, revile, degrade, despite, hurt, maim, and lacerate her feminine body. She saw that this part of herself was cast in the model of her father. She was like her father when she was critical, devaluing, and violating herself. She acted out in her own head the drama that she saw enacted so often between her parents. She turned her father's hostile and destructively devaluing attacks against herself, and made them her own. It served as a striking example of identification with the aggressor. She had to struggle with two difficult and opposing identifications. She identified with her mother as the weak, vulnerable, depressed, sensitive, hurt, victimized woman. She identified with her father as the cruel, evil, destructive, powerful, capable, intellectual, critical, demeaning masculine force. These identifications contended with each other within her. 与此同时，她越来越意识到一个事实，那就是她的心灵——她的智力——是她自身强大、足够、能干和男性化的部分。这也是一个想要削弱、辱骂、贬低、伤害、残害和撕裂她女性身体的部分。她看到自己的这一部分是按照她父亲的样子塑造的。她就像她的父亲，当她批评，贬低和违反自己。她在自己的脑海里把她经常看到的父母之间上演的戏剧演了出来。她把她父亲对她的敌意和破坏性的贬低攻击转为对她自己的攻击，并使之成为她自己的攻击。它是与侵略者进行认同的一个显著例子。她不得不与两种困难而对立的认同作斗争。她认同她的母亲，成了一个软弱、脆弱、抑郁、敏感、受伤、受害的女人。她认同她的父亲，具备了一种残忍、邪恶、破坏性、强大、能干、聪明、批判、贬低的男性力量。这些认同在她心里互相矛盾。 As this material came to the fore in her therapy, there was a slow but detectable shift in the pattern of her handling of anger and destructive wishes outside of therapy. There were a number of occasions when someone had disappointed her or taken advantage of her and she became quite furious. Her pattern earlier in the therapy had been to deal with these feelings by being depressed, sullenly withdrawing, feeling that she was hateful and evil, wanting to punish and hurt herself, even to the point of wanting to commit suicide. More and more as time went on, her anger took a more outwardly directed—if cautiously guided—course. On one occasion her roommate, a rather depressed, angry, and provocative girl herself, had left a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. This culminated a series of episodes in which Clare felt that she was leaving the dirty work for Clare and taking advantage of her. Clare became furious, and proceeded to smash every plate in the apartment to smithereens. She felt proud of being able to do that rather than cutting herself(that impulse was also there!), but she still found it difficult to confront the other person directly with her anger. 当这些材料在她的治疗中出现时，她在治疗之外处理愤怒和破坏性愿望的模式发生了缓慢但可察觉的转变。有好几次，有人让她失望或占了她的便宜，她变得非常愤怒。在早期的治疗中，她的模式是通过抑郁、阴郁地退缩、觉得自己可恶、邪恶、想惩罚和伤害自己，甚至想自杀来处理这些情绪。随着时间的推移，她的愤怒越来越明显地向外扩散——尽管是谨慎地引导着。有一次，她的室友，一个相当沮丧，生气，挑衅的女孩，把一堆脏盘子留在水池里。在这一系列的情节中，克莱尔觉得她把肮脏的工作留给了克莱尔，并占了她的便宜。克莱尔勃然大怒，把公寓里的每一个盘子都砸得粉碎。她为能够做到这一点而感到自豪，而不是伤害自己(这种冲动也存在!)，但她仍然发现直接愤怒地面对别人很难。