Inner Destructiveness 内在的破坏性 When circumstances provoked an angry response in her, Clare had a great deal of difficulty in managing the anger. Along with her paranoid fears of rape and murder, there was a strong tendency to feel herself responsible for the bad feelings. At such times, particularly, she thought of herself as evil and powerful. She felt that she possessed an evil and destructive power that could make other people around her feel and do things. She could make them like her and want to be with her—or she could make them have angry and destructive thoughts and wishes. She saw herself as emitting poisonous influences that corrupted and poisoned the thoughts of people around her. She felt that the evil thing should be destroyed. She would destroy it herself, or other people would want to destroy it. She tried to destroy it by cutting, by starving it to death, or by killing it. It was an evil, horrible, destructive, and powerful monster that had to be destroyed to protect other people from its evil influence. She could gradually recognize how important and powerful a person such fantasies made her. She also could recognize that such feelings were similar to those she had as a child, when she felt that she was responsible for her mother's depressive withdrawals. How powerful she must have felt to be able to exercise such significant control over her mother! 当环境激起她愤怒的反应时，克莱尔很难控制住这种愤怒。除了她对强奸和谋杀的偏执恐惧，她还有一种强烈的倾向，那就是觉得自己要为这种不好的感觉负责。尤其是在这种时候，她认为自己邪恶而强大。她觉得自己拥有一种邪恶的破坏力，可以让她周围的人感到并做一些事情。她可以让他们喜欢她，想和她在一起，或者她可以让他们产生愤怒、破坏性的想法和愿望。她认为自己散发出的有毒的影响，腐蚀和毒害了她周围的人的思想。她觉得这邪恶的东西应该被消灭。她自己会毁了它，或者其他人会想毁了它。她试图通过切割、饿死或杀死它来摧毁它。它是一个邪恶的，可怕的，破坏性的，强大的怪物，必须被摧毁，以保护其他人免受其邪恶的影响。她逐渐意识到这样的幻想让她变得多么重要和强大。她还能意识到，这种感觉和她小时候的感觉很相似，当时她觉得自己要为母亲抑郁的退缩负责。她能对她母亲行使如此重大的控制权，她一定感到自己有多么强大啊! As might be expected from all this, the area of sexuality was quite problematical for Clare. She found it very difficult to enter into any relationships with men, and kept them at a well-guarded distance, despite the fact that she was an attractive young woman. She could relate in a very charming and pleasant manner, but when her sexual feelings were aroused or when the question of sexual activity and especially intercourse arose, she would become quite conflicted and would try to distance herself protectively. On occasion, in the midst of one of her self-destructive and self-punitive paroxysms, she would get herself screwed. It was quite clear that such activity was a substitute for cutting herself and served as an appropriate punishment for her feminine body and self. 从这一切可以看出，对克莱尔来说，性的领域是相当有问题的。她发现与男人建立关系并与他们保持着良好的距离是非常困难的，尽管她是一个有魅力的年轻女子。她能以一种非常迷人和愉快的方式讲述，但当她的性感觉被唤起，或当性行为的问题，尤其是性交的问题出现时，她会变得非常矛盾，并试图保护自己远离对方。有时，在她自我毁灭和自我伤害的发作中，她会把自己搞砸。很明显，这种行为是对自残的一种替代，是对她的女性身体和自我的一种适当的惩罚。 On several such occasions she deliberately went to bed without taking contraceptive precautions, wanting to get herself pregnant. She reflected that getting pregnant would really get to her parents and upset them. Her father's sister had had to have an abortion once, and she recalled the huge stink that it caused in the family. Her self-destructive sexual behavior—as well as her other self-destructive behavior—was clearly an attack against her parents and an attempt to punish and disappoint them. Clare saw the sexual act as an act of brutality that men exercised on women, and pregnancy was the punishment dealt out to women. During intercourse, Clare described herself as feeling empty, as though she became nothing and completely lostany identity. She would feel as though she were being engulfed by the male and that all of the power and the force belonged to him. It became clear to her that the operative model for this fantasy was the relationship between her parents in which father was the powerful one who forced her mother into submission, and her mother was the weak, helpless, vulnerable, and pathetically passive female who had no recourse but submission. 有几次她故意不采取避孕措施就上床，想让自己怀孕。她想，怀孕真的会让她的父母很生气。她父亲的妹妹曾经不得不流产过一次，她回忆起那次流产给家里带来的巨大影响。她的自毁性性行为——以及其他自毁性行为——显然是对她父母的攻击，以及惩罚他们，让他们失望的尝试。克莱尔认为性行为是男人对女人的残忍行为，而怀孕是对女人的惩罚。在性交中，克莱尔形容自己感到空虚，好像什么也没有，完全失去了自我。她会觉得自己被男性吞没了，所有的力量和原力都属于他。她清楚地认识到，这种幻想的主要模式是她父母之间的关系，在这种关系中，父亲是迫使母亲屈服的强有力的一方，而母亲是软弱、无助、脆弱、可悲地被动的女性，除了屈服之外别无他法。 This, incidentally, was her view of the therapeutic relationship. It was a view that changed only gradually and increasingly as time went on, and she came to see that our relationship was not one of dominance and submission, but of helpful support and cooperation. As these elements were gradually worked through, she came increasingly to be able to form real friendships with men and to feel herself a valued and significant person in the relationship. The issue for her with me—and with other men—was that she could not show them the evil and dreadful aspects of herself that lay within. She was afraid of letting her "dirty laundry" show, because that meant that people would be revolted and disgusted and turn away from her and abandon her. The "dirty laundry" was her hurt, vulnerable, depressed and lonely feelings that she associated with her femininity. 顺便说一句，这就是她对治疗关系的看法。这种观点只是随着时间的推移才逐渐改变，她逐渐认识到，我们的关系不是支配和服从，而是有益的支持和合作。随着这些因素的逐渐解决，她越来越能够与男人建立真正的友谊，并感到自己在这段关系中是一个有价值和重要的人。她和我，以及和其他男人的问题是她不能向他们展示她内在的邪恶和可怕的一面。她害怕让自己的“脏衣服”暴露出来，因为这意味着人们会感到厌恶和恶心，并离开她，抛弃她。“脏衣服”是她的受伤，脆弱，沮丧和孤独的感觉，那些她认为与她的女性特质相关联的东西。 Allied with these incestuous wishes there were wishes to get rid of her mother. The rivalry with mother for father's penis and her wish to have her out of the way were complicated by her mother's depressive withdrawals and illness. Clare felt responsible for this effect on her mother—as though her hateful and competitive wishes that her mother would die or go away had in fact had this powerful and magical effect. But mother's retreat and withdrawal left Clare with a sense of omnipotence and served only to place her in greater jeopardy vis-a-vis her father. It raised the possibility that she could indeed take mother's place and have father's penis. The idea was threatening to her, but at the same time exciting. The fact that father made his penis so available to her served both to intensify her wishes and make the possibility of possessing his penis and getting rid of mother seem all the closer. 与这些乱伦的愿望结合在一起的，还有摆脱她母亲的愿望。与母亲争夺父亲的阴茎，以及除掉母亲的愿望，都因为母亲抑郁的退缩和疾病而变得复杂起来。克莱尔觉得自己对母亲的影响是有责任的——好像她那仇恨的、竞争性的愿望(希望她母亲死去或滚开)，实际上产生了这种强大而神奇的影响。但是母亲的退缩和退缩使克莱尔产生了一种无所不能的感觉，这只会使她在父亲面前更加危险。这就提出了一种可能性，她确实可以取代母亲，拥有父亲的阴茎。这个想法对她来说是一种威胁，但同时又令人兴奋。父亲让他的阴茎对于自己如此可得，这既加强了她的愿望，也使拥有他的阴茎跟摆脱母亲的可能性似乎更近了。[以上算是对“为什么克莱尔觉得自己有邪恶的魔力”的一个解释]