Aggression and Self-Esteem 攻击性和自尊 Another important area that this opened up was his concern over aggression and his inability to express it. Aggressive feelings frightened him. He recalled his parents' continual fighting and the fear and resentment he had had about it. He felt anger was of no use whatever, it only complicated things and produced hurt and rejection. It served no productive purpose at all, as far as he could see. Expressing his anger had always been a problem, even though he could recall many times and situations in which he had been enraged. These had particularly to do with his father and his sister. He had always kept his anger in and preferred to feel a smoldering resentment rather than let anyone know how angry and resentful he felt. He could recall only one episode in which he had lost his temper. On this occasion his aunt and uncle had come for dinner. The conversation had gotten around to the black problem. His uncle had made some derogatory remarks about blacks that Don found offensive and which made him angry. He got up to leave the table, and his father ordered him to sit down. He was furious and shouted an angry reply at his father. The force of his voice and the intensity of his feelings surprised and frightened him. That was the only time he had ever let out his anger and it scared him, although he could acknowledge in retrospect that it was a good feeling. 这打开了另一个重要的领域，那就是他对攻击的担忧，以及他无法表达这种担忧。攻击性的感情使他害怕。他回想起他父母不断的争吵，以及他对此的恐惧和怨恨。他觉得愤怒毫无用处，它只会使事情复杂化，产生伤害和排斥。在他看来，这根本没有任何有益的目的。表达他的愤怒一直是一个问题，尽管他能回忆起许多次他被激怒的情况。这些尤其与他的父亲和姐姐有关。他总是把自己的愤怒憋在心里，宁愿去感受一种郁积的怨恨，也不愿让任何人知道他有多愤怒和怨恨。他只记得有一件事他发过脾气。这一次，他的叔叔婶婶来吃晚饭了。谈话转到了黑人问题上。他的叔叔说了一些贬损黑人的话，唐觉得很冒犯，这让他很生气。他起身要离开餐桌，他父亲吩咐他坐下。他勃然大怒，怒吼着对他父亲回答。他那有力的声音和强烈的感情使他既吃惊又害怕。这是他唯一一次发泄自己的愤怒，这让他很害怕，尽管现在回想起来，他承认这是一种很好的感觉。 The issue of expressing anger was joined more directly with his family. During one Christmas vacation he planned to visit home. He had grown a beard and he could not decide whether to shave it off for the visit. He knew that if he wore it home there would be an angry confrontation with his sister over it. He was afraid to face this confrontation, but at the same time realized that he had to draw a line somewhere. He could not continue to capitulate and to try and avoid his anger. He decided to keep the beard. He went home and, predictably, the first night there was a showdown. He lost his temper—it was more of a calculated display than a loss of temper—and backed his sister down. He reported to me later that he was amazed at the response to his angry outburst. His sister backed off and didn't bother him during the rest of the visit. Everyone seemed to pull in their horns, and the rest of the visit was without incident. He even felt that the family was beginning to respect him for the first time. 表达愤怒的问题更直接地与他的家人有关。有一次圣诞节假期，他打算回家看看。他已经留了胡子，他不知道是否要在拜访时把它刮掉。他知道，如果他把它带回家，就会因为这件事和姐姐发生愤怒的冲突。他害怕面对这种对抗，但同时又意识到他必须在某个地方划清界限。他不能继续屈服，也不能试图避免自己的愤怒。他决定留着胡子。他回到家，可想而知，第一天晚上他们就摊牌了。他发脾气了——与其说是发脾气，不如说是一种精心策划的表现——让他姐姐退让了。他后来向我报告说，他对自己的愤怒爆发得到的反应感到惊讶。他的姐姐退让了，在接下来的访问中没有打扰他。每个人似乎都缩紧了自己的角，接下来的访问就平安无事了。他甚至觉得家里人第一次开始尊重他了。 Related to the issue was the question of self-esteem. Don's self-esteem was not very high. He felt himself inadequate, weak, vulnerable and described himself in many ways as helpless. There was a definite depressive tone to this regard for himself. He seemed in the beginning of treatment to regard this as his lot in life—as though the most he could expect from treatment was to be able to live with this burden. It soon became clear that this was a defensive pose. As Don put it, "If you don't expect anything, you won't get angry: and if you aren't worth anything, you can't expect anything!" The problem, of course, was that he did get angry, that he did have expectations—and that it was when these expectations were disappointed that he was most sensitive, hurt, and enraged. 与此相关的是自尊问题。唐的自尊并不高。他觉得自己不足，虚弱，脆弱，在很多方面都把自己描述成无助的。对他自己的这种看法有一种明显的压抑的语气。在治疗初期，他似乎认为这是他人生的命运——似乎他对治疗的最大期望就是能够忍受这种负担。很快就清楚了，这是一种防御姿态。正如唐所说：“如果你什么都不期待，你就不会生气；如果你什么都不值得，你就什么都不要期待!”当然，问题是他确实会生气，他确实有期望，而正是当这些期望落空时，他才最敏感、最受伤、最愤怒。 This was a most difficult aspect of his problem for Don to put in perspective and to appreciate. He struggled to maintain his view of himself as inadequate and deprived. He insisted on trying to blame so many things in his background and history for his difficulties—his parents, their constant fighting, his sister, his mother's death, etc.—and he did not want to accept his own sense of entitlement as a part of his problem. But it was clear that his expectations were high. He expected people to like him and do things for him; he expected that his academic performance should be of high caliber, and that he should not have to work too hard to accomplish that; he expected girls to be attracted to him and to give him the sort of love and protection that he had had from his mother; and he expected that his family should accept his viewpoint and attitudes without question. When these expectations were not fulfilled, he felt resentful, hurt, disappointed, and angered. 这是唐最难正确看待和理解的问题。他努力维持自己的观点，即认为自己不足，被剥夺了权利。他坚持把他的困难归咎于他的背景和历史中的许多事情——他的父母，他们不断的争吵，他的姐姐，他母亲的去世，等等——他不愿意接受他自己的权利意识是他问题的一部分。但很明显，他的期望很高。他期望人们喜欢他，为他做事；他期望自己的学习成绩是高水平的，不需要太努力就能达到；他希望姑娘们会被他吸引，给他爱和保护，就像他从母亲那里得到的那样。他希望他的家人能够毫无疑问地接受他的观点和态度。当这些期望没有实现时，他会感到怨恨、受伤、失望和愤怒。 Thus, keeping his self-esteem at a low level served a defensive function for him. It was a way to avoid and disqualify his anger, and the narcissistic entitlements and demands that lay behind it. Along with this there was a constant resentment at people interfering with his rights, forcing him to conform in school, at work, at home, etc. His talk about these matters—especially in the earlier phases of therapy—had a definite paranoid quality to it. He felt people were out to put him down, not give him a chance to show what he could do. Gradually as these issues were clarified and worked through, he began to adopt a less complaining and more optimistic demeanor. As it became clear how these expectations were distorting his perception of reality, he became more able to accept his own real potentialities, and began sounding and acting in a more hopeful manner. 因此，将自尊保持在低水平对他来说起到了防御的作用。这是一种 避免和消除 他的愤怒，以及隐藏在愤怒背后的 自恋权利和要求 的方法。与此同时，他对那些干涉他的权利，强迫他在学校、工作和家庭等方面遵守规则的人一直怀有怨恨。他对这些事情的谈论——尤其是在治疗的早期阶段——有一种明显的偏执。他觉得人们出来是要打倒他，而不是给他一个展示自己能力的机会。随着这些问题的澄清和解决，他开始采取一种少抱怨、多乐观的态度。当他清楚地认识到这些期望是如何扭曲了他对现实的看法时，他变得更能接受自己真正的潜力，并开始以一种更有希望的方式说话和行动。